HayleyxAnn

Lister · Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:27 pm Joke Collection

3 women just finished partying on one their hen night parties and are in a bar chatting about the nights events:

Women 1: I got some drunk last night i went home + blew chunks

Women 2: i got so drunk i fucked the ugly bartender

Women 3: i got so wasted i fucked the whole band

Women 1: you don't get it Chunks is my dog

:lol:

A blonde is driving down an interstate on fine sunny day and see a man chasing a coyote and to her amazement she sees this old man having intercourse with this coyote:

Women: Oh my god, i;'m reporting this as soon as i get to town
Women: Sheriff i'd like report some pervert i was on the highway

just as she finishs her sentence she looks around and sees an old man jacking off in the sherriff office!

Women: oh my god, whats the matter with this town?

Sheriff: well ya don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age

Sobriety Test
A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Hit & Run
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

Why Women Don't Need Driver's Licenses
Why don't women need driver's licenses?
Because there are no roads between the laundry room, bedroom and the kitchen!

Stumpy Legged Pink Dog
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

Old Fuckers
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

Birds + Benches
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Money
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.

"If I gave you £200," the teacher began," and you gave £50 to Mary, £50 to Sally and £50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

Porn Stash
One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a stash of bondage S+M magazines. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

Worlds Best Husband
A man entered a dentist's surgery.

"How much does it cost to have a tooth extracted?" he asked the dentist.

"Ninety pounds." replied the dentist.

"That's a complete rip-off! Can you do it any cheaper?"

"Well, I could do it without any anaesthetic - that would cost fifty pounds."

"Fifty? That's still too expensive!" said the man. "Can't you make it any
cheaper?"

"Well, I could let my six year old son do it, without tools or anaesthetic," said the dentist. "That would cost only a fiver."

"Well that sounds very reasonable," said the man. "I'll book the wife in for next week...

Drugs for 55p
Two guys in a re-hab clinic undergoing re-hab, the re-hab leader turns to them and givs them 55p (50p + 5p) and says to them

"Take this 55p and try and convert as many drug users as you can in 7 days"
so they both go off and return a week the re-hab asks them

"So how many people do you manage to convert?"

The first guy reponds "10" "impressive" the re-hab leader replies, "How did you do it?" to which he replies

"Well i said to them if you spend 5p on drugs a day and save that 5p for 10 days you end up with 50p"

So the re-hab leader nods and turns to the second guy and asks

"How many people did you manage to convert to which he replies "1000"

The re-hab leader is astonished "how hell did you do it" he enquires to which the man replies

"Well i said to them if you get caught using drugs you'll go in prison with an asshole the size of a 5p and you'll come out of prison with an asshole the size of 50p"

Lightbulbs + Lasses
Whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant girl?

You cant unscrew the girl

Student Futures
A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"
A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Dating For Kicks
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

Redneck Rumping
Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

Dirty Dentist
A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I’d rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”

Women
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them!

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Duck, It's the wife
A man walks home from the pub at night leathered carrying a duck. He walks into the bedroom and turns t'big light on. His wife sits up startled and the man says.. 'see this is the ugly pig i was talking about'. His wife says ' Darling, i think you'll find its a duck!' He says ' I was talking to the duck!!'

News Flash
Brian May was arrested last week, he broke a G string whilst fingering A Minor

CIA Training
It's the final day of C.I.A training, and only 3 guys made it to the last test. The chief says " Okay, men. You all did well to get to this point, but to be in the C.I.A requires a special level of dedication, and the last test is to see if you have the balls to go all the way.

Okay, Smith, you're up first. See that door over there? When you go through it, you'll be in a small room. In this room is a table, and on that table you'll find a .50 caliber Israeli Arms Desert Eagle. Next to the table is a chair. In that chair, you'll find your girlfriend. Go in that room, pick up that sidearm, and shoot your girl in the head."
Smith says, " Sorry sir, I cannot comply. I always wanted to be in the C.I.A, but I love my girl, and I just can't kill her."
Chief says, " Sorry to have to let you go, son, but if you won't do it, we can't take you."
Smith leaves.

Jones is next. The chief repeats his instructions. Jones, not looking too happy, squares his shoulders, walks into the room and closes the door. Silence. Then, after a few minutes, the sound of a man crying.
Jones walks out, teary eyed, says, " I'm so sorry, sir! I tried. I really tried! I wanted to be in the C.I.A more than anything. But when I saw her all tied up, crying and helpless, well, I just could'nt pull the trigger."
Chief says " Jones, you're a good man, and a damn fine American, but to be in the C.I.A, well, we need that bit extra, and, unfortunately, you don't have it." Jones leaves.

Last is Sanders, the very image of a buttoned-down spook. The chief repeats his shtick: room, table, gun, girl, go in there and take her out.
He's hardly finished talking when Sanders sprints to the door, kicks it open, and slams it shut behind him.
The chief hears:

BLAM!
BLAM!
BLAM!
BLAM!
BLAM!
"SHIT!"
BLAM !
"FUCK!"
Thump. Crack.

THUD!
THUD!
THUD!

The door opens. Sanders walks out, drenched in blood, breathing heavily.
" You motherfucker!" screams Sanders, " that gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat her to death with the table!"

A couple are speeding down the interstate at around 150 mph as they pass a billboard and sure enough behind that billboard it a cop on a bike, the cop gives chase, 5 minutes later he manages to pull them over, he walsk up to the drivers window:

Cop: Do you know why i pulled you over?
Man: No officer i don't
Cop: You're the first person to speed past me wearing a seatbelt and as part of a safety reward scheme here's a cheque for $5000
Man: Great now maybe i can afford to get my drivers license
Women: Don't listen to him, he's an asshole when he's drunk
Backseat Passenger: aww man i told you we'd never get far in this stolen car

all of a sudden *thud* *thud* and a voice from the boot:

Voice: Hey, are we over the border yet?

A policeman is doing his patrols and hears high pitched howling coming from one of the gardens so he walks in and knock on the dorr and a women answers:

Police Officer: Excuse me, i couldn't help noticed you're dog's howling
Women: I don't know why that is officer
Police Officer: Well ma'am i think you're dog's in heat
Women: No officer my dog's in the shade i can assure oyu
Police Officer: No ma'am you don't understand, you're dog is in HEAT
Women: What do you mean officer?
Police Officer: Damn it women, you're dog needs to be screwed
Women: Go ahead officer, i always wanted a police dog

tommyboy55 · Guest

That is some list you have there Lister Very Good :lol: :lol: :lol:

HayleyxAnn · Guest

Lol thanks for all those Lister, kept me very amused lol :lol:

Robinhio · Guest

That's quite a list Lister. Very funny btw :lol:

xXTaniaXx · Guest

very funny!!!

Sweetie · Guest

Half my day gone! :lol:

Good one xx